I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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