Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Randomize
