I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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