WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize