Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
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