How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
You know Sunday Funday was a success when 'puke and rally' came at lunchtime on Monday.
Shriek
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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