im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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