Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Randomize
