Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
i think my cat just said my name.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize