Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize