im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
