sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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