You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Either seal the deal or get out of the room, I don't want to hide in this closet anymore
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
