Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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