This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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