I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
He? As in you personified your dick?
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
