My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
