the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
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