You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
