Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
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