Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Still dying that you shit outside
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
