There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
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