I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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