My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
