Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
