Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Randomize