i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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