I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
