god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
