I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
He's all enlightened and liberal. My next beefcake will be much more Neanderthal.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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