dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
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