i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Randomize
