I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Randomize
