My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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