yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
