Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Randomize
