also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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