Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Pants are for mortals
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
Randomize