he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
how drunk are you?
Several
Randomize
