Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
