The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.  Â
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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