I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Randomize
