I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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