I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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