you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
