Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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