i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize