Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize