I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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