Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Randomize
