I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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