pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
this must be what syphilis tastes like
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
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