And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
