The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
