this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
Randomize
