i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize