If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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