i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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