It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
accomplished twins. life is a go
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
