if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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