Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
